Our Weekend Plans Looking Like: #TwoAndAHalfMen
It all started Friday afternoon when I walked into the house carrying grocery bags filled with healthy snacks, face masks, and a board game I found on sale called “Family Fun Night.”
Jake looked up from the couch, chips spilling onto his shirt. “We having a girls’ sleepover or something?”
I ignored him. “We are having a fun, bonding weekend. No video games, no junk food, and definitely no women with names like Bambi or Destiny sleeping in the guest room.”
From the kitchen, Charlie called, “That’s a bold request for someone who doesn’t pay rent.”
“I do pay rent, Charlie.”
“Oh, that’s right. Your monthly contribution could just about buy me a cup of coffee… from 1998.”
I set the snacks down and tried to keep calm. “This weekend is about reconnecting. Us Harper men. Quality time.”
Charlie wandered in, sunglasses still on, despite being indoors, and holding a drink that definitely wasn’t water. “Alan, I already have weekend plans. They include me, a hammock, and a woman named Kiki who owns a boat. Or maybe the boat owns her. Either way, I’m on board. Literally.”
I turned to Jake. “And what about you? Want to do something as a family?”
He shrugged. “Depends. Can I bring my phone?”
“No.”
“Then I’m busy.”
I took a deep breath. I’d been preparing for this. I had an itinerary, color-coded and laminated. I pulled it out.
Charlie looked at it like it was a court summons. “What is this? A hostage schedule?”
“It’s a plan. Game night, movie marathon, a hike, and a family dinner. It’s going to be good for us.”
Jake raised his hand. “What if I told you I’m allergic to hiking?”
“You’re not allergic to anything but effort,” I muttered.
Undeterred, I announced, “Movie night starts at 6. I picked something we’ll all enjoy—Dead Poets Society.”
Charlie stared at me. “You’re killing the weekend before it even starts.”
“Fine,” I said. “What would you suggest?”
He smirked. “Die Hard. It’s about family too. A man trying to reconnect with his wife during the holidays. And there’s explosions.”
Jake’s eyes lit up. “Now that’s bonding.”
And just like that, my wholesome weekend began its downward spiral.
We watched Die Hard. Then Die Hard 2. Then, for some reason, Sharknado 3.
By Saturday morning, the “hike” became walking to the corner store for more chips. My board game was used as a coaster. And Jake’s idea of bonding was showing us TikToks of people falling off trampolines.
But around Saturday night, something weird happened.
Charlie, mid-poker game at the kitchen table, looked over at me. “You know, this isn’t terrible.”
I blinked. “Thanks?”
Jake dealt the cards and asked, “So, uh… do we do this again next weekend?”
I nearly dropped my drink. “Really?”
He shrugged. “Sure. But next time, can we get pizza? And maybe not do that face mask thing again? I looked like a cucumber sandwich.”
Sunday morning, we were all still in pajamas, half-watching Indiana Jones and eating leftover Chinese food. I looked around at the disaster of a weekend—the messy living room, the broken game pieces, Jake with Cheeto dust on his face, and Charlie sleeping in an armchair with a slice of pizza balanced on his chest.
It wasn’t the weekend I’d planned… but maybe it was the one we needed.
Because in this bizarre, chaotic house, family didn’t look like picture-perfect plans. It looked like mismatched socks, sarcastic jokes, greasy food, and moments in between where—somehow—we actually liked each other.
So yeah.
Our weekend plans looking like: total chaos.
But with the Harpers, that’s just called bonding.
#TwoAndAHalfMen
